Friday, April 22, 2011
i don't know if i can take this anymore... its seriously taking a heavy toll on me... a small part of me tells me to hold on and don't give up, but a bigger part of me says to just stop cause its not worth it anymore... physically, i'm still capable of holding on... but my mind and soul may not be as strong as i think/want it to be... the cracks are getting bigger with time... hopefully, i don't break when the time comes...
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
i need to rediscover myself... i want to find the happy me i lost some time ago... i don't know if i can continue like this anymore...
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
solitude in silence... i will always suppress my inner most desires for i wish to be simple... sacrificing happiness for simplicity... the invincible tears of silence... i almost have no emotions left... for pain has taken them all away... looks like i only have myself to depend on now...
Friday, February 19, 2010
humans are undoubtedly the most complex living organism that ever inhibited earth... we are not only complex in terms of physical, but also mental and emotions... have you ever noticed how we criticize others without ever looking at ourselves first...? how we say that person is this, that person is that when we are actually not very different from them...? sometimes it's better to just keep quiet than spitting out useless garbage... you see, as much as we love to criticize others for their flaws, we should always remember that we too have our flaws... we look at others and deem them inferior... it is actually a very bad to look down at others... it can't be helped since most of us fight to get to the top... but looking down on others just because they aren't as good as you is just plain wrong... sometimes, it is better if we evaluate OURSELVES first... as much as freedom of speech is concerned, it has its limits... so, don't just simply say something about someone just because you can... look at yourself first and ask yourself; am i really better than him/her...? if i am, what gives me the right to say so...? sometimes we look at other people and say they are lousy... but the matter of fact is, our own people ain't that great either... it is actually the mentality of people... i used to have this mentality... i, unfortunately, have to learn the hard way that all isn't as it seems... to say others are weaker and that we are better is baseless... we are equally as bad as them... sure, they under perform... they slack... but we aren't any better than them... just because our outcome is better than them doesn't mean a single damn thing... i put my hope and faith in my own believe just to get bloody disappointed... and yet, i still try to give it a chance... but in the end, i doesn't really matter... the outcome does not change... i still end up disappointed...
i have said it before... the simplest things are the hardest to achieve... we hope that we can depend on others... we give them our faith and trust... but in the end we are the ones that have to make our own dreams come true... sometimes all we want is a little help from others... a little push and encouragement... but what do we get in return...? disappointment... it goes without saying: "sometimes you just have to do everything on your own..." the world has evolved into such that people are no longer trustworthy, no longer dependable, no longer able to give you that little push you desperately need... even your closest friends and colleagues can disappoint in a blink of an eye... such a problem can never be solved... the only way to get it worked out is to kill (yes, i said KILL) all your emotions, put on that fake smile, and take that problem head on... sometimes its better to hurt yourself than let others hurt you... especially the people you care about... if a stranger hits you in the face, you only feel physical pain... if a love one hits you in the face, you feel physical and emotional pain... what more if a love one disappoints you... stabs you in the face AND in the heart, leave you to bleed to death... which is why it is better to hurt yourself now than get hurt by others later... no point being patient, sucking everything in and end up in a puddle of your own blood and tears... sometimes it is better to just do what you have to do... kill or be killed...
Thursday, February 18, 2010
yours truly is back...! =) anyways... i'm back for the chinese new year (cny) holidays... its been about a month and a half since i started semester 2 of my studies... so far i still can cope... nothing i can't handle... however, the transition of the holidays to my new semester wasn't that smooth as i hoped it would be... some expected and unexpected things happened... i still hoped that it wouldn't have turned out the way it did but it has already happened... so, the past is the past... however much i hated to do the things i do, but the key to my emotions and my heart is already locked and kept safely guarded... ok... enough of the ranting... updates... this year, i spent new year with my 'new' family... they are my friends and housemates in university... celebration was very very simple... two bottles of coke, some snacks and of course company... friends... although i would love to spend it with a loved one (ahem!) and family, but i had to make do with what i had... but it was still good enough... i don't have a loved one and family is a little far away... so, yea... studies was manageable... although, i would really like to say this: to my math lecturer, STOP GIVING SO MUCH WORK... we aren't just studying your subject... ==" so far i finished most of my tests... things aren't bad... but they aren't that good either... so, i'm trying to stop slacking so much and focus more on my studies...
cny this year is not that much different from the previous years... the only unique thing is that this year, cny coincides with valentines day... but, it ain't that special anyways... every year, i spend or should i say don't spend valentines day... being single all this while, i don't really think valentines day as something special anymore... i'm so used to spending it alone, valentines day is just another day in the year... but to make things clear, cny will own valentines day any time... period... we are a race that is steeped in tradition... as much as we would love to take our better half for a nice, romantic dinner, i still think we would consider family over our better half... so, no romantic dinners for me... maybe in, i don't know, 50 years...? yea... that sounds more right...
i'm not really a strong believer in astrology, horoscope reading and feng shui... but lately, crazy and really unexpected things have been happening... they ain't good things mind you... after watching a couple of feng shui programmes on tv, i'm a bit convinced... to those born in the year of the snake (that would be me ==), the beginning of the year would be a pretty bad one... generally, doesn't really matter if it's financial, health and even love, things aren't good for us... i do remember one of the feng shui masters saying that love will improve in the second half of the year... well, i sure do hope so... ==
anyways, i will be leaving this coming sunday... classes are going to resume next week... yea, it's pretty crappy when you only get 1 week of holidays while others get 2 weeks for their new year... never mind if you don't get what i just said... but at least it's better than none... so, new updates will be out once my semester is over... i won't be updating so soon as i normally like to update when i'm alone in my room... more privacy... besides, i don't need to update so often since no one actually reads my blog anyways... so why bother... ^^ see ya soon...
Wednesday, December 02, 2009
it has been a loooooooonnnnnnggggggg time since last updated... i'm so sorry for not updating since i left for uni... i know i know... i could have taken the initiative to update since it's such a simple thing to do... i must admit though, i'm a lazy ass... so updating my blog isn't exactly on the top of my daily to-do list... since very little or almost no one reads my blog, i don't really bother about it... anyways, first semester of uni is over... sem break now...! yay...! my take on it...? reasonably okay... life there is pretty managable... sure, it ain't fancy like some high class foreign uni with almost any facility you want... sure, it doesn't have a swimming pool or a high-tech computer lab... but the very least, i'm pay way, way, way, way lesser for my course... it's a local uni i'm going to... i think it pretty much self-explanatory... met some great and wonderful people there... though i must mention this... it's pretty much my downside... main language spoken by the chinese there is mandarin... and most of you know by now, mandarin ain't exactly a language i'm good at... i can speak a little, just sufficient to get the meaning across... not a major problem... there is however, a problem... and i doubt this problem can be solved... having rotten people as your groupmate... gosh, i can literally strangle them... but that has already passed... on the brightside of that though, it has made me a little wiser and mature... food-wise, i have to say, if you can't stand food that is spicy, oily and mostly REPETITIVE food, you are going to have a problem... the key to surviving below average cafeteria food; VARIETY... sure, some days you can just skip a meal (or two), but you can't survive on instant noodles, biscuits and bread for an entire month... you would almost literally go insane... for me, variety is the way to go... for example, i have rice for lunch and maybe noodles or roti canai for dinner... for my so called 'pantry', i have milo, cappuccino, cadbury hot choco, horlicks AND chinese tea... i also have at least THREE different types of instant noodles... sounds a lot, but it helps me get through the really crappy times... i go for lectures using 'leg power'... first month (if i'm not mistaken) i would walk to my lecture halls and classes... takes about 15 minutes if i speed up my pace, 20 - 25 if i do it casually... but now, i still rely on 'leg power' to get to lectures on time; a bicycle...! yea, it's much faster than walking... though, kinda sucks when it rains... laundry and house keeping is not a very burdening task... sure, it's always nice to have someone to do those things for you, but it ain't always the case... my advise, don't push back on laundry... it can kill you, expecially if your handwashing your laundry... do laundry everyday or if your lazy, three days once... house keeping is totally up to you... if you think you can stand living, eating, sleeping and studying in a garbage bin, by all means go ahead... study wise, it isn't very difficult if you constantly study, finish and up all your assignments on time... and of course, GO FOR LECTURES... have a question...? don't be afraid to ask your lecturer... worst case is he/she will ask you to find out the answer yourself... but do not fret; when in doubt, GOOGLE... no kidding... google will be your best friend when doing assignments... my final advise, as a human, we all have our downsides... so please leave them behind and just be nice to others because you will be sharing your life with others in uni... it's a very important transition period... from teenagers to adults... of course, old habits die hard, but there is no harm in trying to burn them alive right...? do onto others what you want others to do onto you... that's something i believe in... it's not easy sharing your life with others as it is difficult for them to fully accept you no matter how close you may be with them... they say, "you don't trully know a person until you have lived with him/her"... why do you think the divorce rate never drops...? it's as simple as that... ah, yes... before i forget... do remember to treat yourself once in a while... it really helps when times get really rough especially if you get homesick easily... a cold can of coke on a really hot day or maybe just better food can really do miracles... that's all from me for now... i don't know whether i'll be updating often during my sem break... kinda lazy now... haha...
Sunday, June 28, 2009
i'm going to pahang in a few hours time... i'm leaving klang at about 7 am... yeah... i'm feeling emo and like shit right now... it's hard for me to leave behind so many things i have grown fond of... my home, my family, my friends, the plain good ol' home cooked food and most of all the simplicity of life itself... now, with so much to shoulder, i find myself not being able to face them with courage... i feel so... wussy... why i'm feeling like this is something i don't really know... i guess it's part of my personality... *sighs* it's not the same when i left for NS... i kept telling myself it's not that different from that time during NS... but another part of me says otherwise and that things are going to be rough... that's life i guess... just another rite of passage most students must go through... i'm praying hard that i will be able to find the strength inside of me to face the challenges up ahead... fingers crossed, i hope i get to find Juliet there... ok la... i know studies first... i will focus on my studies... i'm just hoping... that's all... if fate has it then good... if not, then oh well... before i end my post, i would like to say goodbye to all my friends and thanks for the moral support... i'm going to miss all of you, family and friends alike... time for me to leave the path of teenagers and tread the path of adults... with that said... goodbye all... i'll be back in due time... in the meantime, please do take care of yourself/selves...
p.s.: to all my friends who are going to leave/have left, i wish you all the best and please do take care of yourself... we'll meet once we have the time... until then... sayonara minna...
