my side of the story... wanna hear it?: March 2009

Sunday, March 15, 2009

alright... time to get some stuff straight... first up, my results... ok... most people would have known about my results by now; either from me or from someone else... or forcing someone else to tell them... anyways, to be very, very clear, i did NOT do well... so, for the love of GOD, please stop telling me, "you did okay what..." or "not bad what..." i understand that all of you are just being nice and do what normal people would normally do... but the fact is, what you think is good, is in fact not good in terms of the standard... ok... so my results may not seem bad if compared to others, but it's bad to the fact that i'm having problems with my university application... and to those who think i'm smart, i'm sorry to burst your little bubble... but i'm NOT smart... smart defines people who do NOT need to study AND still get great results... i do NOT fall into that category...

next up, i know i have been very quiet lately... okay... not lately... i'm quiet all along... oh sure, i'm fun, crazy when you people see me in school, public places, gatherings, etc... i hardly speak more than 5 lines a day... i've never been close to my family members and i'd prefer it to stay that way... why...? simply because they do not understand me... most of you may argue the fact that parents know their children best... i beg to differ... sure la... they know what you like to eat, your favourite songs, etc... but do they know you on a deeper level...? such as, when you keep staring at a wall, listening to the same song over and over again, what is going through your mind and what are you feeling... apparently not... it makes things much more difficult for me simply because i do not like to voice my thoughts anymore... quite sick of it... when you say a little too much, you get it... when you say too little, you still get it... so why talk...? hence, i have decided to talk only when it is needed... parents done... siblings... hmm... i have only one thing to say; if you have a sibling you can talk to or very close to, you are one LUCKY *censored*... to those who have only yourself to depend on, welcome to the loners club... to the single child, go adopt a pet...

post results have left me a little depressed... i worked hard for it... some part of me feels i should have gotten better results and some parts of me feels that i'm lucky to have gotten this as things could have been worse... much worse... and i'd like to quote a friend of mine, "some of us just have to live in the shadows of other forever..." what is meant is some of us can never beat our more successful counterparts no matter how hard we try... and most of the time, it's our siblings... i, in fact, totally agree... it kinda sucks when you think about it... but it all boils down to how you think...

having said all that, i have some decision making to do... i hate making big decisions... i fucking hate them... but they have to be made nontheless... i just hope my fucking mind is clear enough to make the right decisions...

Monday, March 09, 2009

ah... the time has come once again... butterflies in the tummy are now back to put me in an insomniac state... yes, sleep wasn't pleasant the past few days... it was downright horrible... i am trying to be optimistic... but why is the fear more intense this time around...? simple... i know very well that i actually fought and gave my very best... and i'm afraid of the consequences of failing this time... i actually care right now... alright, time to pull myself together... i hope for the best for not only myself but also to all the warriors who fought the same dreaded war... may God bless us and give us strength to endure the worst... and the clock ticks...