Saturday, January 26, 2008
actually... nothing to blog about... just wanted to release some steam... been a lil frustrated lately... a lot of problems everywhere... i really don't want to talk about a specific problem because i believe this problem should remain as it is... with that said... i shall move on... homework is piling up... before i can even finish up my previous work... another homework arrives... bah... not to mention all the preparations need for the upcoming sports day...
oh... here is another problem... nothing to do with homework n sports day... its just that i'm feeling the pressure of my prefect duties... not because of time constraints... its because the teachers are not helping at all... some of them just blabber away about the downside of the morning assembly... picking on the fine mistakes made during assembly... then firing me for it... but they don see the upside... its so difficult to wake up every morning, going to school, knowing fairly well that i might/will get firing for something i never even did wrong... maybe thats whats leaders are for... firing them...
enough on that... i also dislike the thought of not being able to spend time with my friends... damn... even my weekends are not free... its either homework or extra tuition classes... or both... i'm like dying to get a moment to spend with my friends... just over a cup of teh-tarik... talk till our jaws drop... literally... its so hard to even get them to reply smses... but hey... what can i do...? its not like i can make changes that can affect someone's life... in a good way of course... i ain't superman... i'm just your average joe... even if i am an average joe... it's not easy to be me...
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
1st up, i'd like to apologize for not updating my blog... it's been a very hectic 3 weeks of school... i can hardly find the time and mood to blog... loads of work to be done... my homework is stockpiling like nobody's business... but i managed to finish some yesterday... so lesser work now... i am also facing a lot of problems... mostly school-related and time-related... i seriously find it hard to spend time with my friends... it's frustrating at times... knowing that i am unable to do such a simple thing... spending time with the people that matter most to me... i sometimes wish i had the power to stop time so that i can spend time with them... but reality... its NEVER going to happen...
moving on... being in upper 6 has taught me a lot of things... helped me get to know myself more... but in the course of learning about myself, i start to see things i don't really want to see... this has lead me to question a lot of things... past, present and also future... i'm starting to wonder if i had actually made the right choices... chosen the correct words to speak... pick the right course of action... all these questions are making me feel as if i had not done a good job and i have not only disappointed myself, but the people around me... sure.. people tell me that i'm actually doing a very good job... but i feel that i have not done anything good... i'm beginning to lose confidence in myself... even in my studies... i look at my results and i wonder if i can actually sit for STPM and come out of the hall with good results... it's so frustrating...
but what concerns me the most would be the time factor.... i know i don't have much time left to study... but i have even LESSER time to spend with my best buddies... everyone's just so busy... sometimes they are so busy, even they can't reply an sms... sounds familiar? it should... i hated having to look forward into the future and knowing that there is a possibility that i might lose some of my friends because the lack of communication due to time... it's bad... i'm like looking a great escape... quoting from the Boys Like Girls - The Great Escape:
Throw it away
Forget yesterday
We'll make the great escape
We won't hear a word they say
They don't know us anyway
Watch it burn
Let it die
Cause we are finally free tonight
being free from problems and woes are so hard... everyday in our lives... there is definitely an obstacle... some are easy to overcome... some are not... makes me wonder what would happen if i just packed up and left... as in just disappeared from the face of the earth... *poof* just like that... wouldn't that be great? from my point of view... it is in fact a brilliant idea... again... quoting from Simple Plan - When I'm Gone:
Won't look back,
When I say goodbye.
I'm gonna leave this a hole behind me,
Gonna take what's mine tonight.
Because every wasted day becomes a wasted chance.
You're gonna wake up feeling sorry,
Because life wont wait,
I guess it's up to you.
says a lot doesn't it...? oh well... life has to go on... and frankly... i'm quite sick of people telling me "don't worry... everything will be fine... you can make it through..." just about another person telling me that i would have killed that fella... i have everything to worry about and everything is and will NOT be fine and i will NOT make it through... i know my god damn limitations so don't tell me what i can and cannot do...
*bah... i'm ranting about nonsense again... sorry if you had to read my nonsense... as not much happy stuff has been going... i promise, i will try my best to 'brighten up' my blog...
Wednesday, January 02, 2008
i know this is kinda late, but my internet line was out since thursday (27 dec 07)... i got it fixed yesterday... this is going to be long post... i didnt exactly plan to update but since i have people requesting that i update... i will... this might be a lil' sappy post... you have been warned...
the year 2007 has come and gone... as i look back, i feel that 2007 was NOT a very good year for me... there were of course ups and downs... but the downs seems to outweigh the ups by a ratio of 1:100... yea... bad right...? but maybe i just feel this way... to you it may not seem that bad... anyway... looking back... i realize a lot of things... things changed... and they change BIG TIME... *sigh* i left for a 3 month stint (NS) starting january... some of my friends left for college... 1 or 2 left the country to further their studies... some decided to try their hand at working or venturing into business... i met new people, saw new faces, experience new experiences... when i returned... things did seem a little different... solely because i'm no longer schooling (not at that time), friends are in different places... busy doing what they have to do... then i started my own studies... i enrolled into form 6... again... i met new people, saw new faces, experience new experiences... towards the end of the year, i started to feel the pressure of my upcoming STPM exam... and being so far from my beloved friends did not make it any easier... sure... they are just a sms away... but everybody is so busy studying... i try my very best not to disturb them...
as 2007 closes, i began to wonder what have i achieved in 2007... then it hit me... life is a journey of discovery... time is the revealer of secrets... i discovered things about me and the people around me, the people i love... i learn about things i don't want to learn about... ugly things reveal themselves... my ugly side showed... i did promise myself about the things i must do... especially if it involves the people i love... but things don't seem to go my way... there is always something blocking my way... if it's not the circumstances of the situation, it's the end result that affects my decision... i absolutely hate making decisions like this... not only that... some of my plans don't turn out the way it should... it's frustrating... i only wish that my friends would just stay happy regardless of how i feel... to me, they come first... above everything else... but yet i not only disappoint them, i disappointed my own self... not only did my actions hurt myself, it hurt them too... i just feel... i feel like i failed myself... i fail to be their friend... i don't have much to offer to them... i share what ever i can... i'm not some rich kid who can afford to give you everything u want... i'm not good looking... i'm not intelligent... i'm... i'm... just... normal... sometimes i give without expecting something in return... but a little gratitude and appreciation is not too much to ask right...? but i get... i get nothing...
oh well... maybe this is what they call destiny... maybe this is what i'm fated to become... maybe God had already planned for me to be part of this world like this, even when people tell me fate is in my own hands i still feel that i'm meant to be like this... i can't change it... no matter how hard i try... this is a fact... u can't expect everyone to be a CEO in a top company right...? then who is going to clean our roads...? maybe i'm just another forgettable on the street... i don't play a role of importance... whether i'm at a party or not, doesn't affect much...
so long 2007... but hello 2008...? honestly... i'm not looking forward to 2008... at least not 100%... why...? it's exam year... and it's the year people start to venture out... people take new routes in life... where do i go...? i don't know... will i ever be able to maintain all the friendships i made throughout my life...? only God knows... i will try no doubt... only if they other party does his/her part too... i can't be the only one fighting to keep it alive... i can't just be the fire that keeps the friendship burning... i can only hope and pray... my hopes and dreams (not all) were not achievable last year... and i don't think i'm any closer to it this year... what else can i say...? i leave it to fate...
